Jokes per Day

Funny Television Ads

2008-02-13T15:32:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you guys, but most of the time I watch TV not for the programs but for the hilarious ads that they run. I have to agree, some of the brightest minds are in the advertising business. Sometimes, you just don't get it, but the message hits you right after you laugh.

Here are some of the funniest ads from all over the world. Enjoy!

Funny Grim Reaper Pranks Video

2008-01-31T18:31:00.000-08:00

What would you do if suddenly the Grim Reaper shows up on video standing right behind you? LOL. This must be the sickest and funniest prank of this kind I've ever seen.

Funny Manny Pacquiao Photos

2008-01-31T11:27:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong. I love Money, I mean, Manny Pacquiao. He is a true modern Filipino icon who has brought honor to our country. He is also a highly marketable guy. He really is. In fact, he's so marketable that I decided to cash in on the hilarious Pacquiao photos that had been circulating the Internet for quite a while now. Here are some. Knock yourselves out. =)

Marriage Jokes (No, Marriage is not a Joke)

2008-01-30T12:11:00.000-08:00

I recently got married and instantly realized why jokes about marriage abound. LOL. Well, here are some intended to be told as jokes. Remember, these are just jokes. =)

A young accountant stayed late at the office day after day. Finally, the boss called him in and asked for an explanation.

"Well, you see sir," he stammered, "my wife works, too -- and if I get home before she does, I have to cook the dinner."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

Funny Animal Photos for 01-30-08

2008-01-30T03:34:00.000-08:00

Some people, including me, just can't get enough of funny animal pictures. Thank heavens for the Internet for all the funny animal photos!

Here are some to make your day...

Sep 25 Funny Photos of the Day

2007-09-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

There's no better way to make your day than to make your kid's day. Here are some funny kids photos for today.

Funny (and Adorable) Animal Photos

2007-09-21T15:58:00.001-07:00

They're sooooooooo cute!

Funny Marriage Quotes and Jokes

2007-09-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

Marriage is thought to be one of the craziest things in the world. It’s a whole new world once you step in to married life. Still, people think a lot about it…some think little about it. For some, it’s just ridiculous. Here are some of the funny marriage quotes and jokes for today.

Enjoy!

"If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way."

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

Bad Day Jokes

2007-09-18T16:23:00.000-07:00

The following photos are not exactly funny. But they sure make you want to say *#@%! Why? Ever flew on a plane with stripped down engines? How about being chased by a raging bull? Having a great time with your buddies while playing golf when suddenly a bear starts charging from the bushes?

And you thought you’re having a bad day? Hey, watch out for that log!

Job Jokes

2007-09-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

For a lot of people, being a corporate slave is often unnerving after quite some time. They just couldn’t get used to it. But if they only sat for a while and thought about what sort of odd jobs other people are into…

Anyhow, here are some good old job jokes that I stumbled upon recently. Enjoy!

Could Be Worse

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this....

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock you doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in you favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Then, carefully place it on a table or a flat surface, so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins- Take ou the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement.
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Finally, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times.

"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

No Balls Needed Here…For Now

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

Where Do People Who Don’t Work Work?

A state government employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears.

"For setting me free, I am granting you three wishes. So tell me what are they?" Genie asks.

"I wish for a brand new Porsche right now!"

Boom!

Right in front of him appeared his shiny new Porsche. He jumped in and drove like mad.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful young women reside."

Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

Boom!

He's back in his government office.

Funny Photos of the Day

2007-09-17T03:34:00.001-07:00

These photos…are they funny or are they funny?

Enjoy!

09-14-07 Funny Photos

2007-09-13T19:00:00.001-07:00

Nothing is as hilarious as a funny candid photo (or digitally edited ones) of unsuspecting people (or animals) and random funny events captured at the right moment.

Here are some of the funniest photos circulating around the internet that are sure to instantly make you burst into laughter. Enjoy!

09/13/07 Funny Quotes for the Day

2007-09-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

For many people, nothing makes their day more than a couple of funny quotes that they chance upon each day. I am one of those who have a strong affinity to these cute little one or two-liners. Here are some of the most amusing celebrity quotes for you.

Enjoy!

“Death is nature's way of saying, ‘Your table's ready.’”
Robin Williams

“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.” Jay Leno

“My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.” Rodney Dangerfield

“The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing...and then marry him!” Cher

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey

Why We Need to Laugh More

2007-09-12T04:11:00.000-07:00

There are more to jokes than just laughing. Laughing is merely a result or a reaction to a funny joke, photo or quote. It should be stressed that laughing is, indeed, beneficial. Several scientific researches have already proven that laughter is, indeed, the best medicine.

Here are some of laughter’s awesome benefits taken from BUPA that many people still have no clue about:

Laughing is thought to help you to fight off illnesses by boosting your immune system. It increases the amount of immunoglobulins, natural killer cells and T cells in the body, which fight infection and tumours.
Laughing reduces pain. Children watching comedy films relax more and tolerate pain more easily.In fact, humorous videos are being used in anaesthetic rooms at Manchester Children's Hospital. And an American nurse has found that telling jokes to her patients before she administers a painful treatment reduces their discomfort.
Laughing reduces allergic responses, including hay fever symptoms.
Laughing lifts your mood - even if you have to force yourself to laugh.
Laughing reduces the effect of stress by lowering stress hormone levels.
Laughing helps keeps diabetes under control. It may help to control spikes in blood sugar levels after a meal, reducing the chances of diabetic complications. In one study, people who watched a funny video during dinner had lower blood sugar levels after the meal compared to the people who watched a lecture video.

So if you want to become incredibly healthier, make laughter a part of you daily life. Keep reading good, wholesome jokes to live happier and longer.

The Word Escapes Me

2007-09-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

The Frog's Story

2007-09-11T21:39:00.000-07:00

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."

The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

The Blind Bunny

2007-09-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

Another Blonde Joke

2007-09-11T16:54:00.000-07:00

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

Hurting All Over

2007-09-11T01:07:00.000-07:00

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Funny Quotes of the Day

2007-09-11T00:54:00.000-07:00

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. – Albert Einstein

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. – George Burns

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden. – Steve Martin

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead. – Unknown

I own the fastest car

2007-09-11T00:50:00.000-07:00

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

AHAJOKES.COM